I Don’t Eat at Chain Restaurants: Painful Lessons in Both Fine and Inexpensive Dining

A Moratorium on Chain Restaurants

“I don’t eat at chain restaurants!” A woman named Lynda shared her dining standards with me during the first of two or three dates. It didn’t go much further than that. It was a curious comment at the time, one which I didn’t understand. I grew up eating at chain restaurants, and I enjoyed them. Lynda was a voluptuous, brown-skinned woman with short natural hair. I met Lynda at a day party in Washington, DC. She was friendly when we met. She spotted me first, and wandered over to me as the music played, drink in hand and dressed in a halter top, fitted jeans and heels. I liked the vibe, and bought her another drink, the gentlemanly thing to do. We exchanged numbers after talking some more. I was younger and innocent then.

What’s Wrong with Applebee’s?

“I don’t eat at chain restaurants!” There was displeasure in Lynda’s voice. It was our first time meeting after the party, and we stood outside of an Applebee’s restaurant after eating. What was wrong with Applebee’s? It wasn’t McDonald’s, Burger King or KFC. Applebee’s had a menu with both aquatic and terrestrial proteins, starches and vegetables. Applebee’s furthermore had a compliment of appetizers, deserts and a bar. You could even watch sporting events if you wanted to on one of the many big and beautiful TVs in the bar area.

It was on par with restaurants like Chili’s, Outback Steakhouse, Red Lobster and my Friday night go to at the time, Ruby Tuesday. I spent many Friday nights at Ruby Tuesday enjoying orders of shrimp fondue with freshly fried nachos, a cheeseburger and fries; all of it washed down with a Pepsi or Coke mixed with grenadine strawberry syrup. YUM. It was a lot of calories, but it was comfort food, and a great way to finish a long week of work for the federal government.

All the restaurants I described had one thing in common. They were ‘chain’ restaurants, and again, they were perfectly fine where I came from. I have fond memories of the breakfast buffet at the Main Street Ponderosa restaurant in Buffalo as a kid where I filled my stomach with all the eggs, corned beef hash and potatoes I could eat. It was great.

Not So Nice Restaurants

“This is not a nice restaurant.” I met a beautiful, brown-skinned woman named Christina years earlier in Charlotte, NC while I was an undergraduate student at Johnson C. Smith University. She was in her late twenties or early thirties while I was in my early twenties. There was a party of some sort at the Red Lobster on Independence Boulevard. A random conversation started between us when she told me that I was one of the most handsome men at that gathering. I wore my favorite brown Banana Republic sweater that night. Christina gave me my first education on the different tiers of restaurants.

“Some people act like coming to Red Lobster is a big deal, but this really isn’t a high-end seafood restaurant,” she said. I nodded my head as she spoke, not understanding the depth of what she was saying. Food was food to me. After all, wasn’t a restaurant where you could order bowls of New England Clam Chowder, endless shrimp and an assortment of lobster dishes a good restaurant?

A La Carte and Fine Dining

“Your sides don’t come with your proteins in a la carte restaurants and you have to pay for them separately at steakhouses like Ruth’s Chris.” Sometime later a girlfriend from inner-city South Florida named Sandra explained to me what ‘a la carte’ restaurants were. “Sometimes when you go into places like that, people look at you funny,” she continued. We didn’t have Ruth’s Chris in Buffalo, and we never went to such places, so I had no experience with these types of restaurants.

“You don’t know what FINE DINING is, Dr. Dunbar?” Kevin Samuels was shocked that I was unfamiliar with fine dining restaurants in my early 40s and having a PhD from the University of Michigan. It was three years before he died in 2022, and I was at his Men in Training weekend in Dallas. It was something I should have known based upon his voice intonation. I was a doctor after all.

Aspects Not Necessarily Taught in School

I love telling this story because for one thing we never discussed it in my PhD program, just science. People assume that having such social refinements come with one’s education, but not necessarily. They come from home in some instances. The also come from social affiliations like fraternities and sororities, or some form of ‘finishing school’. Many people have never heard of finishing school interestingly, particularly in the lower-middle and lower classes. I was not clear on the concept until Kevin Samuels and I talked about it that weekend. Think of the Kennedy kids and the social training they likely received as children of a wealthy ambassador and politician.

When you think about these a la carte/fine dining restaurants, think about Ruth Chris or Morton’s Steakhouse. Think about high-end Italian restaurants like Carbone’s. If you’re in the Washington, DC area, think about restaurants like Rare Steakhouse & Tavern, Ocean Prime or Truluck’s (seafood). Think about Russell’s Steakhouse if you’re in my home city of Buffalo, NY. The ambiance is beautiful at all these restaurants and the food is eloquent. Furthermore, you won’t see people who frequent chain restaurants there. Expect to pay $100-$200 for yourself and at least $300-$400 or more for two or more people. Is that a lot of money to you? There’s no shame if in fact it is, as everyone is trying to survive these days.

Something Mom and Pop?

“Maybe someplace Mom and Pop?” I was introduced to the concept of ‘Mom and Pop’ restaurants by an ex on her birthday. This gets us into the murky territory of ladies and their birthdays. Many take them very seriously and want to feel like a princess on those days. While the most straightforward way is for someone to tell you what they like and where they want to go, some ladies want you to figure it out. This experience is exhausting to recall, but it did introduce me to the concept of Mom and Pop restaurants.

Mom and Pop restaurants are not the much-reviled chain restaurants. They were restaurants typically owned by families and started by figurative mothers and fathers. You must do some research on these establishments if you eat at chain restaurants, or don’t eat out much. I did likewise find a nice Italian Mom and Pop restaurant in this instance.

Champagne Tastes

“Let’s go to the Chesapeake Grill in Crystal City.” I met someone else as I transitioned to my life in Washington, DC on a Delta flight. Tamika was coincidentally a member of the crimson and cream-colored Black Greek sorority. We talked a little bit after I got there and started settling in before communications eventually died out. She suggested that I meet her at a beautiful restaurant at the top of the Crystal City Hyatt one evening.

That night it was closed, so we could not go. I thought we were just going to another restaurant. Years later a mentor treated a group of us to the Chesapeake Grill, and upon examination of the menu, I was surprised to find prices in the amounts I described earlier in this piece, $50-$60 or more for an entrée, for example. A fun fact for the men who might be dating someone having ‘champagne tastes’, some ladies will gauge what you have to spend and what you are willing to spend immediately by insisting on going to a la carte/fine dining restaurants, so be mindful.

Knowing Your Audience and Reading the Room

“I don’t eat at chain restaurants!” I’ve learned that it’s important to identify and know your audience when moving around in the world, especially in urban centers, ‘NFL cities’ which the aforementioned Kevin Samuels, noted where most black people are concentrated. It turns out that Lynda belonged to a prominent Black Greek sorority whose colors were pink and green, and whose members were known for being beautiful, dainty, prissy and driven.

The ladies who joined this particular sorority were groomed to be the best of the best, and to only demand the best of everything. Once I understood this, it made a little more sense. I’m not picking on her and her sorority, but I’m just communicating the importance of knowing who you’re dealing with. Upper crust people tend to frequent non-chain restaurants. They can be government officials, lawyers, or businesspeople, in addition to ‘aspirationals’ from the middle class who want to feel rich. Dr. Thomas Stanley talked extensively about them in his Millionaire Nextdoor series.

Buffets, Chinese Restaurants and Subway: Other Food Hangups

Chain restaurants are not the only restaurants people detest and refuse to eat at. There is a long list of others and the reasons vary. One time a relative hijacked a family gathering because he didn’t eat at buffets. We were all set to go when he dug his heels in and took over our plans. He had gotten sick at a buffet years earlier and was permanently scarred.

A girlfriend refused to eat Chinese food once because of the unsanitary conditions of one particular restaurant that made the news. They also had a general reputation for uncleanliness, but that didn’t apply to all Chinese restaurants. Her coworker laughed out loud when I shared that I was undeterred and indulged in some myself earlier that night. A lovely but high maintenance member of the church I once attended refused to eat at Subway on a group outing because of the way the food is out and openly handled. It’s impossible to keep everyone happy all the time.

Michelin Star Restaurants

I learned of yet another classification of restaurants shortly before publishing this short story. That class is called ‘Michelin Star’ restaurants. These are high-end restaurants and there are quite a few here in the Washington, DC area. I suspect that there are quite a few where you live too, especially if you live in a major metropolitan area. I may have eaten at establishments like this, but not intentionally.

Where did I hear about Michelin Star Restaurants? An excellent YouTube content creator who calls himself ‘Medium Man’ made a video about ladies lamenting about eating at restaurants like the Outback Steakhouse while glorifying eating at Michelin Star restaurants. I’m not telling you, the reader, to eat at Michelin Star restaurants, but since this post was about not eating at chain restaurants, this was valuable to add. Therapist and YouTube content creator Dr. Orion Taraban also mentioned the significance of Michelin Star restaurants in his excellent book about modern relationships entitled, The Value of Others.

Closing Thoughts on Not Chain and Non-Chain Restaurants

“I don’t eat at chain restaurants!” I’m going to close this essay by thanking Lynda for this teachable moment. It punctuated the many lessons I’ve cobbled together about this subject over the years described throughout this essay. “You don’t have any swag,” Lynda also told me regarding my perceived level of blackness which I will likely revisit in another piece. Lynda wasn’t a fun date as you may have surmised. She certainly left her mark though, and most everything was educational. So, thank you, Lynda. Please also tip your servers properly no matter where you choose to dine, especially if they give you stellar service.

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